No Smoking, Please

When we first hired Bob I thought it was pretty clear that he couldn’t smoke in the house. Even while here to spec out the job, he said, “let’s go outside and talk so I can smoke.” Plus, I just assumed that every one knows that you don’t smoke in someone’s house—particularly if they’re non-smokers. But, you know what they say about assuming—you’re an ass.

When they first started working for us it was still beautiful out. They were putting in the bathroom and going in and out of the side of the house through a hole in the wall. (from a window they removed). They smoked outside the house but some of the smoke started to seep through the open wall. Then as time went on they went from finishing the cigarette outside to finishing it as they walked through the door and pretty soon the cig dangled from their lips as they worked. That’s when I stepped in and while smiling sweetly said, “Please don’t smoke in the house." They smiled back, “Okay.”

A few months pass (GROAN) and they begin work on the extension while we were away at Disney for a week. Had I known that we were going to be under major renovation I would not have booked a Disney trip the year before—but, I digress. By the time we are really under construction the nice weather has turned to crap. Now, when I see people walking their dogs in the rain and snow I think, “geeze.. poor sap.” Even for smokers I feel badly that they have to stand out in the elements to enjoy their cigarette. I wonder why this wouldn’t curb their enthusiasm for smoking. It would do it for me—I hate to be cold.

Anyway, when we came home we found cigarette ashes in piles in the bathroom. Read my post, The Extension Is Up for full details on the mess we found. Everyone thought that our being away for a week of renovation would be a good idea. I think it was a lot like leaving your over-protected child at a party school their freshman year—kids gone wild.

Three more separate times I tell them, “please don’t smoke in here.” They smile back and say, "Okay." Of course, as soon as I leave the house (which is often because I’m constantly running to either drop off or pick up one of my kids) they light up. It’s not that I don’t want you smoking when I’m here, it’s that I don’t want you smoking in my house ever. I’m convinced smokers have no idea how strong and foul the smell is—because if they did they’d quit.

I had some friends tell me to tell them they couldn’t smoke because I had asthma, or one of the kids had asthma. I didn’t go that route for two reasons (neither of which is because I have some high moral code to live by)

1. I shouldn’t have to have a life-threatening condition for you to respect my home and keep your foul smelling habit out of my house.
   
2. I don’t like getting big explanations for things and I don’t give them. “Don’t smoke” is clear and to the point leaving little room for “interpretation.”
   

They kept smoking. What the #$@%!

One day Bob arrived around 7:20. He had to ring the bell because we were all still sleeping. It had been a rough night with Annabelle awake and screaming for most of it. We’re not sure why she does it but she seems to have trouble breathing sometimes and wakes up a lot. So the doorbell dings and Dave races to let Bob in the house. Bob is confused, usually by this time of day our house is pretty active—breakfast cooking, I hate school don’t make me go, coffee brewing, you can’t me go to school, I’ll run away, fresh underwear being fetched from the dryer, that sort of thing. He asks, “you’re still sleeping?” Dave said, “yeah, Annabelle was up all night.’ Bob asked why and Dave said, “She has trouble breathing at night and wakes up a lot.” Bob says, “Oh really? Oh man, we won’t smoke in the house anymore.” And they never did.

From now on, when I hire anyone I will spell it out clearly up front that there is no smoking in or around the house. Maybe have them sign a contract that says, "I promise not to smoke. If I do smoke I understand that I will not be paid for my services." In fact, I’ve thought about installing those signs about 15 feet from the house that says, “no smoking beyond this point.”